If you visited my “About Me” page, I mentioned that Eden K Photography was named after a baby we lost to miscarriage. Eden was my second pregnancy. When we found out I was pregnant, we were surprised but so in love with the baby growing inside me. The image above, was an announcement that my husband made. Johnny had a mini photo shoot with Zoey and we sent the announcement to close family and friends. We were so excited and wanted to wait until I was officially in my second trimester to share the news to the “masses.”
I remember being nauseous and sick (my symptoms prompted me to take a test in the first place). So when we got the news that the baby’s heart stopped and the pregnancy was no longer viable it was hard to process. I was crushed; we both were. A missed miscarriage. It’s when the baby dies, but the mother’s body does not recognize the loss and continues to have symptoms. Can you believe that’s a thing?! My own body couldn’t process what was happening. It was a distressing time. I had a few people say some insensitive things. Some said it was good that we found out early in the pregnancy, that it was for the best and the baby could have had special needs. One person said that the baby was “poison” in my body and that I should have the baby removed immediately. On the other hand, I also had incredible love and support poured on me. People reached out to encourage and pray with me. I reached out to peers who have gone through this kind of loss. We were also given valued privacy so that we could grieve as a family. It was healing and something you can’t fully understand until you go through it. Zoey, sweet thing, had so much compassion for her mommy who was depressed. She showered me with hugs and kisses everytime I had a meltdown, which was frequent. That time made me plead with God and hope for a miracle. After multiple ultrasounds to confirm the miscarriage, I was forced to accept and trust God’s plans for me, the baby and the rest of my family. It was rough and I still wrestle with it sometimes. I fully miscarried when I was 11 weeks pregnant. A week or so shy of sharing the announcement with everyone.
About a year and half has passed since our miscarriage. Last month was pregnancy and infant loss awareness. This month our sweet Eden would have been turning 1. It just seemed fitting to be sharing this post now. I still wonder about what kind of baby Eden would have been; what kind of adult Eden would grow to be. I still grieve. At the same time, I’m grateful for the ways God has given us grace and favor. We have a 6 month old son, Roman. Not to say that one child replaces the other. Never. It’s because of Eden that we have Roman and he gives us so much joy. We’ve had lots of ups and downs the past two years since living in California and I’m grateful for the ways God has been with us through it all. Now we have Eden K Photography. Everytime I have a photo session, edit images or spend time in growing the business I’m able to do it in Eden’s honor. What a privilege. Thank you so much for your support and love, you know who you are.
For those of you who have gone through miscarriage or infant loss, my heart is with you. It is something, for whatever reason, that is not talked about enough. It seems taboo. You will heal in your own way in God’s time, your heart will find joy again. But you will always remember and miss the little one you didn’t get to hold, and that’s okay too. One of my favorite photographers that I follow, Jordan Brittley, recently had a miscarriage and dedicated some posts to the baby she lost. Her journey and blogs have been encouraging; again a reminder that you aren’t alone. You can view one of her blogs here.